April 1, 2014
New legislation, nicknamed "the Joy Tax," was leaked, this morning, by a congressional aide who calls himself, simply, "Winston."
What is the problem to which the Joy Tax legislation – due to be passed later today – is the solution?
The new legislation, subtitled "A Brighter Day for U.S.A., Inc.," states the problem:
"Spontaneous expressions of joy are unwelcome interferences in the orderly performance of workers' daily duties. The Monday-through-Saturday 12-hour workday is a sacrosanct tradition in United States of America, Inc., formerly the United States, and any incursion into those time-blocks must be viewed as an abuse of worker privilege."
If productivity is the problem, then the logical solution, states the bill, is to "create more time" for U.S.A., Inc. workers:
"Disincentivization is the solution to the problem of productivity-disenhancing spontaneous expressions of joy. Using taxation measures to disincentivize joy will create more time and necessarily bring new prosperity to United States of America, Inc., which has recently and most unfortunately lost its corporate leadership position in world markets due, in part, to time-wasting frivolity on the part of its workers."
How specifically will the proposed legislation disincentivize joy?
"By forcing workers to pay a 2% tax on their wages every time they break out into laughter or otherwise allow joy to manifest, this bill creates a strong psychological barrier to the manifestation of joy. Workers' disinclination to joy expression will result in an immediate increase in productivity and spur a return to a position of dominance of U.S.A., Inc. in world markets."
Will hugs be banned?
"All spontaneous expressions of joy – hugs, laughter, prolonged smiling, tooth-smiling, "booyahs," high-fives, etc. – will continue to be allowed by law. But while no criminal charges will be filed for spontaneous expressions of joy during workday hours, U.S.A., Inc. will make its disapproval of such expressions known through the firm hand of wage correction."
How will taxes be administered?
"Biometrics software, coupling face-scanning and heat-signature technologies, will make autonomous, real-time judgments, bypassing workers' microchips for faster, virtually instantaneous, taxation, or wage-correction. Laughter, smiling, and other expressions of joy, because they release significant amounts of body heat, can easily and accurately be detected by present-day, in-place biometrics technology."
Will state-sponsored laughter be allowed?
"United States of America, Inc. will allow non-taxed state-sponsored laughter, smiling, and other expressions of joy on a tri-monthly basis. On the 1st, 11th, and 21st day of each month, joy will be scheduled for workers for a minimum, and a maximum, of five minutes, directly after the 8:00 p.m. work stoppage time. State-sponsored expressions of joy from 8:00 p.m. to 8:05 p.m. must seem to be spontaneous (or "real"), or additional taxes will by levied as per Section 3A."
In accordance with the Code of Journalistic Ethics, this author fully and wholeheartedly agrees with and endorses the Corporation's position that a tax on joy is a fair and equitable solution to the problem of time stolen by U.S.A., Inc. workers in the form of spontaneous expressions of joy during workday hours.
This author fully and wholeheartedly agrees with and endorses the Corporation's position, further, that state-sponsored post-workday laughter is a reasonable method of managing workers' "joy release."
This author fully and wholeheartedly agrees with and endorses the Corporation's position, finally, that tri-monthly allotted periods of post-workday joy is a reasonable method of cutting time lost from spontaneous joy expression and will necessarily result in substantial productivity increase and create a brighter future in world markets for United States of America, Inc.
Congressional aide "Winston," who leaked this document hours before its assured passage later today on Capitol Hill, has not taken a public stance for or against the new legislation and he cannot be contacted by any standard protocol.
The author lives in Zone 7 of United States of America, Inc. His hobbies include surfing state-sponsored pornography and raising his children through Virtual Dad. His enforced privacy rating is Level 2, and he is therefore not contactable by other employees of U.S.A., Inc., except through Supervisor Mediation Query Protocol 1.